In my youth, I had the opportunity to drive on the roads of Germany quite a bit. All of it was, of course, in the context of one Chabad mission or another. But it would not be a lie to say that ever since I got my driver’s license, I was waiting for the moment to reach Germany’s highways – those with no speed limit.
The rental car in our possession – mine and that of my good friend, whose name I will not mention (I will only say that he is a respected rabbi in a large city somewhere in northern Germany) – well, the car we managed to rent was also one capable of delivering high and fast performance. Today I can say that it was also a bit dangerous. But we had in our arsenal the words of our sages: “The zealous hasten to perform mitzvot” and “Those on a mission to fulfill a mitzvah will not come to harm.” So we were covered.
There were also moments of frustration on the road. One of the most memorable was with a sporty Porsche (a 911…) driven by an older man – and he was going only 140 km/h. I assume there’s no need to explain the frustration: you’re on the German Autobahn, the road is clear, you’re behind the wheel of a Porsche 911, and you’re crawling at 140? My heart truly ached.
And why am I remembering this today, 26 years later?
Well:
This Saturday night we begin to say Selichot.
We will ask forgiveness from G-d. But for what?
Of course, we will ask forgiveness for certain deeds we should not have done. Certainly, we will ask pardon for inappropriate and unbecoming behavior. Without a doubt, we will ask atonement for words and thoughts, maybe even for online wanderings that should not have been. But in my mind, and especially in my heart, there lingers the feeling that this is not enough, that this is not the essence. That it is treating the expression of the problem rather than the problem itself. That it is a response to symptoms instead of to the illness. That it is Tylenol instead of antibiotics.
So what, then, should I really be asking forgiveness for?
I increasingly feel that I must ask forgiveness from the Creator of the world for not fulfilling the trust He has placed in me. I must ask forgiveness for wasting the tools He has given me on things not important enough – or at least for not using them fully. I must beg pardon, express regret for the past, and resolve for the future to use to the maximum all the powers, abilities, talents, and life itself that I have been granted – to make for Him, blessed be He, a dwelling in this lower world, to help repair the world under the sovereignty of G-d Almighty.
At times I feel like a man with a sports Porsche on a limitless Autobahn driving only 80 km/h. I imagine the Master of the Universe looking down at me as I looked at that man back then – frustrated and saying to Himself: Zalman, I gave you a Porsche, why are you driving as if you have a Lada?
This feels to me like addressing the root of the problem. If I can understand this, I will know also to ask forgiveness for it. And when I ask forgiveness after contemplating the gifts – and everyone has been given gifts, powers, and abilities tailored uniquely for him – then regret for the past and resolution for the future will follow. And there is a good chance that the future will be amazing.
And until then,
Shabbat Shalom – and may we all be inscribed and sealed for a good year,
Rabbi Zalman Wishedski