About a month ago, I wrote a post about the relationship between parents and their teenage children. The post was directed mainly toward the Chabad community, and its purpose was to encourage us as parents to welcome our children who come home for vacation more as parents and less as educators. It mentioned the difficulty we parents often face in accepting our teenagers as they are, and I suggested trying to be prepared in a way that would reduce conflicts and tense atmosphere at home whenever the son or daughter doesn’t get up on time, doesn’t help, or both.
I received many responses. Some I agreed with more, others less. Many responses I didn’t see at all, only heard that there was some debate about the subject in various WhatsApp groups.
One response, sent to me as a voice message by my dear friend Rabbi Levi Volvovski from Florence, captured my heart and greatly appealed to me.
But wait—a clarification: Levi tends to be precise with his words. I took his words and internalized them, and it’s very possible I am not fully accurate in reflecting his exact intent. I don’t want to put words in his mouth. So what I am writing here are my words, not his. Still, the direction certainly came from him.
Levi brilliantly said: “Be the ‘King in the Field’ for your children.”
The Alter Rebbe compared our relationship with G-d in the month of Elul to that of a king and his subjects when the king goes out to meet them in the field: “Before the king enters the city, the townspeople go out to greet him and welcome him in the field. There, anyone who wishes may approach him, and he receives them all with a pleasant countenance and shows a smiling face to everyone.”
In other words, during Elul it is not only that we make the effort to seek out G-d, but He—indeed, primarily He—goes beyond His usual manner and visits us where we are, as we are, and He welcomes us all with a pleasant countenance and shows us a smiling face.
Now, imagine—said Levi—that in the month of Av (and of course not only then), when our children come home for vacation, we would be their “King in the Field”. That we would meet them in the place that interests them, accept them as they are, and greet them with a truly pleasant countenance. And with G-d, there is no pretense and no performance: His “pleasant countenance” is not the smile of an American waitress, and His “smiling face” is not the business-class flight attendant’s grin. With G-d, a pleasant countenance and a smiling face express inner truth.
And since this is a matter of truth, it is by no means an easy task. But our Sages have already taught—and the Rambam codifies it in Hilchot De’ot: “We are commanded to follow these middle paths, which are the good and upright ways, as it says: ‘You shall walk in His ways.’ And this is how they explained this commandment: Just as He is called gracious, so should you be gracious. Just as He is called compassionate, so should you be compassionate.” If He knows how to go out and be the King in the Field, then you too should be the King in the Field: to truly accept, with a truly pleasant countenance, and to truly show a smiling face.
May we succeed,
Shabbat Shalom,
Rabbi Zalman Wishedski