It's unpleasant to experience condescension. It's unpleasant to be around a person who looks down on you, and it's even more unpleasant when you ask for advice or help from a place of need, and the giver responds with a certain degree of condescension.
I knew this; everyone knows this the moment they first experience condescension. What I didn't know is that sometimes, I myself can be condescending, or at least that's how the person speaking to me feels at times.
I have some memories in my mind, or perhaps more accurately, memories in my heart, of people who came to me, shared their pain, and I responded from a place of being knowledgeable, wise, the one who understands everything at once and knows what the other person is dealing with. It was gentle, wrapped in consideration, but the other person experienced condescension, bordering on disrespect.
These memories are not from the past year or even from two years ago, but not much longer than two years. I don't know if this happens today; I'm sure it does from time to time, but thank G-d I haven’t received feedback on it recently. I clearly remember the man or woman saying or writing to me later, “You should know it was hard for me to talk to you. I felt that you were coming from a condescending and disrespectful place.” I don't know if there's a more difficult experience than that; I felt terrible. At first, of course, I downplayed it internally—it's nonsense, I’m not condescending, they misunderstood, it's just their perception—but gradually, that annoying voice of my inner compass said to me, “You’re downplaying this to protect yourself, and that's fine, protect yourself as much as you want, but that won't help you grow.”
When I gathered the courage and listened again to what they said, to the experience my conversation partner had, this time from a place of genuine, open listening, without defensiveness, I could clearly understand what they were talking about. It didn’t make it easier, but it did lead me to work on it.
In *Likkutei Sichos*, volume 24, in a discussion on the verse “and you shall make a parapet for your roof” (Deuteronomy 22:8), the Rebbe explains that in the context of personal work, the “roof” symbolizes arrogance and pride, and the parapet is needed to restrain this roof, to ensure it doesn’t cause harm—“and you shall make a parapet for your roof.”
The Rebbe then lays down the foundations for anyone who influences another person, and in my understanding, this includes relationships, parenting, and certainly for a Chabadnik.
Here are the words of the translated discourse:
"The purpose of the 'parapet for your roof' is not so much to protect oneself from spiritual downfall but also for the sake of others, so that your roof—your arrogance and pride—does not cause the spiritual downfall of another Jew."
"When a person has pride, not only is it a flaw in their personal spiritual work, but it can also cause the downfall of the Jew upon whom they have influence. When one influences others with words that come from the heart, without personal interests or agendas, those words will surely reach the heart and have their intended effect."
"But if one's words are mixed with ego and pride, not only does this interfere with the success of their words and in drawing the other closer, it can even lead to the opposite—G-d forbid, their pride and words might distance the listener."
Wishing us success,
Shabbat Shalom,
Rabbi Zalman Wishedski